A Twist In The Tail
by LZ0291
Summary: The curtains rise on the performance, and a golden-haired individual with a tail chases a Princess across the castle. Except in this case, something is not quite the same...
1. Chapter 1

The airship _Prima Vista _soared through the mist, travelling onwards to the destination. On board, a golden-haired figure wearing mostly blue and with a long monkey-like tail, descended from the floor above. The figure dropped down gracefully, and entering a nearby door to find the room in blackness.

"Sure is dark... Guess no one's here..." The yellow-haired figure said, in the gloom, then paused.

"Or you bastards arfe hiding and blew the candles out."

No one voiced a reply, cackled manically ,or otherwise gave any sign anyone else was present, so the figure in blue lit a match, holding it aloft for the light.

"...Where's the damn candlestick..." The figure pondered, after wandering the room aimlessly for a few moments.

Eventually, the errant candlestick was found where it always had been, in the middle of the room. Almost at once, as the room was bathed in the brighter light of the candles, a voice challenged from a door to the right.

"Who's there?"

"It's me!" The only person in the room replied, and was about to further clarify when the door opened.

Three figures emerged. One, a red-haired male slightly taller than the candle-lighter. Another, a shorter and fatter man in a chef's hat, and the third, a man taller than the red-head with pointed ears and a rag-like hat.

"You sure are late, Blondie..." The red-haired male said.

"Can it, Blank. Not all of us had weeks to rehearse..."

Blondie scanned the room for a moment.

"The boss isn't here yet..." The short man noted. Blondie fixed him a stare.

"I can see that, Cinna. I do have eyes..."

At that moment, a door opposite the one the trio had entered from burst open. A dragon-headed figure emerged, roared, and leapt down beside them...

"Hi Boss!" Blondie said cheerfully, as the other three tensed to fight. The dragon-headed figure paused.

"...How did you know it was me?" Baku sighed. Blondie shrugged.

"It pays to have someone observant along." The man with pointed ears grinned.

"Whatever, Marcus. I was gonna try and make sure you four were on your toes but it looks like one good apple helps the barrel. Let's start this meeting already..." Baku said, walking into the door the three had entered from, leaving a puzzled Blondie behind.

"...I'm pretty sure that phrase goes differently..."

* * *

Blondie walked in, and sat by a table. A model of a castle sat there, and Baku began speaking.

"Here's the plan" Tantalus, the infamous band of daring thieves (that's us)..." He said.

"Is it?" Someone interrupted.

"...is headin' to the Kingdom of Alexandria..."

"Are we?"

"...Shut up, Blondie. Our mission: to kidnap the heir to the throne, Princess Garnet!"

"I'll take it from here, so listen up. Our ship's about to dock at Alexandria..." Cinna began

"Is it?"

"Seriously, shut up." Baku growled.

"And when it does, we're gonna put on our costumes and perform 'I Want to Be Your Canary,' the most popular play in Alexandria! Break a leg, Marcus! 'Cause you're playin' the lead!"

"Leave the actin' to me! Of course, the real kidnappers'll be you two." Marcus said, gesturing towards Blank and Blondie.

"I'll distract the audience from backstage with these little buggers." Blank said, holding up a box. Inside, there were a number of beetle-like creatures.

"I can't stand oglops... But I'll manage, so don't worry about me."

"Look, I should point out _I can_ stand oglops. So why was it the plan always involved Blank with the oglops?" Blondie said.

"Because Blank has the oglops." Baku said.

"But I _like_ oglops."

"Yeah, and you're a freak. Don't get your panties in a bunch though, you get to kidnap the princess now."

"But why me? I know we had to change the plan but how come I can't hold the oglops and Blank kidnaps the Princess?"

"Well, the princess is a girl and we figure you'd know how to kidnap a girl better that these guys, what with you being so girly and all..." Blank smirked.

"Hey! What's so girly about me?"

The other four stared at the protester.

"...Do you want us to draw you a picture or do you realise the answer yourself?" Marcus said.

"Who'd draw it?" Blondie pondered.

"Cinna." Came a near-unanimous reply, with only Cinna himself silent.

"Ugh, I get it. I've seen his pictures." Blondie said in disgust.

"...Y-you have?" Cinna said, worried.

"Yeah. The anatomy's all wrong. Just for the record, any woman with breasts as big as he draws would have serious back pain."

"How would you know?" Baku said. Blondie paused.

"Uh..."

"Don't answer. Anyway, Blank releases the oglops _and be very sure that it is Blank B-L-A-N-K who does this_ and then, what do you do?" Baku continued.

"...Kidnap the Princess?"

"That's right. Thank you for not making another stupid comment."

"I had three or four I could have made." Blondie confessed with a shrug.

* * *

In Alexandria town, a small boy in a blue coat and drooped hat found his ticket to the play was a fake. However, a rat-boy had promptly made the blue-coated boy, Vivi, into his "slave" in order for the pair to get into the castle by going over the roofs. None of the players knew of this.

They simply played their part, until Blondie and Blank had their mock swordfight... Then promptly ran off stage, and then knocked out two Knights of Pluto to steal their uniforms.

* * *

In the Knights of Pluto briefing room, the two unconscious Knights had been thoroughly debriefed. Two very concious individuals now wore their rusting plate armour.

"You gave me a splinter when you hit me with the sword..." Blank whined.

"Well, what was I supposed to do with those stupid instructions you were giving me? Hit X? What does that mean? Besides, it's just a splinter, you girl..." Blondie said.

"Never mind... I see you decided to attack the cute one." Blank changed subject, trying to get a shot back.

"He doesn't smell cute... This helmet reeks..."

"Well, you don't smell cute either, _Sir_ Monkey..."

"Ha Ha. Can it or you'll be Sir Broken Nose... But seriously, this helmet smells."

"Yeah, well, My helmet totally reeks as well. My armour's way too big and my back's real itchy..." Blank pointed out

"Okay, I get it, you're worse off..." Blondie sighed.

"I've got other problems too, want to hear them?"

"Look, let's just go." Blondie said, marching out.

"Yeah, okay, but you have to wear the helmet..."

"But it stinks!"

"Fine, don't wear it, but it'll bite you on the ass later..." Blank sighed.

"Pfft. What's the worst that could happen?"

The two walked out into a hallway, thankfully empty of guards or other unwanted castle personnel.

"Okay, so, the royal box is up these stairs..." Blondie said, more for personal benefit as a reminder than as an instruction to Blank.

At that, a loud cheer came from the crowd.

"Uh oh, The scene where Marcus sneaks into Cornelia's chamber is about to start! Let's get this over with before the finale, okay?" Blank said.

As they tried to climb the stairs though, they met a girl coming the other way. She wore a white cloak, and paused at the sight of the two.

"She sure is dressed funny..." Blank whispered.

"Um... Would you please let me pass?" The girl said.

"Let's see..." Blank said, moving closer and looking at the face of the girl.

"Is there something on my face?" The girl asked, a nervous hint to her voice.

"Oh, no. You see... I just thought maybe you were the one I'd been waiting for all this time." Blank continued. Blondie turned head to look at him.

"What?" Blondie asked.

"Excuse me? You were waiting for me?" The girl said, the nerves joined by confusion and surprise. Blondie took another look at her.

"Yeah! I've dreamt of meeting you here ever since I was born!" Blank carried on

"Do you mock me?" The girl asked, indignation now the primary edge to her voice.

"Yes, yes he does... Why are you flirting with her?" Blondie spoke up unheard.

"No, of course not..." Blank lied, ignoring his friend.

"Then, I shall take my leave of you!" The girl fumed, but as she tried to move, Blondie blocked her path.

"Just a sec! Haven't we met before?" Blondie tried.

"No, I do not know you..." The girl said, then frowned.

"...Are you a Knight of Pluto?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am. We both are..." Blank said.

"But... They are a male-only organisation..."

"Uh... That's right." Blondie said.

"Then why are you a girl?" The girl pressed on.

"...I'm not a girl, miss."

"You look and sound like one."

"Um... tight uniform, miss? And I'm just handsome?" Blondie said. The girl noted the baggy and oversized set of armour that Blondie wore.

"Look, Princess, he's telling the... "

The girl, at these words, almost jumped. She ran straight past the two, knocking Blank over

"Oh, nice going." Blondie applauded as the two gave chase.

"Why would she run off though? Surely she'd expect her own knights to recognise her."

"Do you think she guessed we're fake knights?" Blondie said

Blank glared at Blondie.

"I told you. You should have worn the helmet..."

"_You should have worn the helmet_! Don't get your panties all bunched up, Blank." Blondie mockingly repeated back and retorted.

"Sorry, I thought you wore the panties."

"Up yours."

* * *

At this point Blondie discovered three things. The Princess was surprisingly athletic, able to run without breaking a sweat, it seemed, while the two Tantalus would-be kidnappers had to deal with the heavy (and less than fragrant) armour. She had led them through the strangely empty castle, out into the courtyard

"This armour is slowing us. No way she'd have the stamina if she ran at our top speeds, not someone so thin like her..." Blank noted

Before Blondie could attempt any response in defence of the thin, the Princess darted into a tower, and seemingly, into a dead end as she ran up the stairs.

"There's no way out from there. I'll seal the gate here and stop anyone following, you catch her!" Blank continued

"Right. I'm gonna ditch this armour too..." Blondie nodded, agreeing that the armour was restrictive.

Once it was off, movement was much easier. The Princess was startled by the shape dashing up the tower after her, and ran faster. The top wasn't long in coming, and the door behind was easy to close.

'_Wait... Why didn't she close it? Does she know she's trapped? Maybe she's trying head back down and lock the door behind her!_' Blondie suddenly realised and made sure that no counter-trap had been sprung.

However, the Princess was instead climbing up the battlements.

"Whoa! Hey, hold on, that's..."

The Princess turned, smiled, and then jumped. However, she was holding onto the rope for some bunting, and was using it to swing down towards the Prima Vista.

"...The most awesome thing I've ever seen in my life." Blondie said, impressed, and decided to follow.

* * *

Adelbert Steiner, Captain of the Knights of Pluto, was not a happy man at this point in time. The Princess missing, his men away from their posts, Beatrix and her squad of demented little robots vowing to show up the idiot men once again...

His determination to locate his Princess grew. He climbed one tower of the castle, thinking either she may be there (The balcony she liked to sit in was closed off tonight and guarded) or could be seen easier from higher up.

He was correct, in that he saw her on the opposite tower, pursued by a golden-haired figure.

"She's being hounded by Brigands! Fear not Princess! Your Knight is coming!" He shouted.

At that point, as he made to head downstairs, she climbed over the edge and jumped.

* * *

Blondie landed in the orchestra's deck, and was confused to see no sign of the Princess.

"Did she go this way?" Blondie asked, darting into the nearest room without an answer. A second later, there were two crashes. The Princess dashed past, knocking over the musicians, and inside the room, Blondie ran headfirst into a blue-haired woman.

"What in tarnation?"

"Uh, hi Ruby... Did you see a..." Blondie began, only for the Princess to run in and jump over the two sprawled on the floor.

"Hey, that was..." Ruby said

"I know."

"Shouldn't you follow her?"

"Yes!" Blondie said, trying to stand

"Then why ain't you?"

"You're sitting on my tail!"

Ruby stood up, giggling at this, and allowed Blondie to follow. However, the Princess had finally stopped running, halting inside the room where Blondie had lit the candles a few hours before. Blondie was a little annoyed to see she didn't look exhausted at all.

"Whew... You've made up your mind, then?"

'_Okay, next time we improvise I'm going to run less... And pick armour that doesn't smell so bad._'

"Do you work on this theatre ship?" The princess asked.

'_So she figured that out._'

"As you have no doubt suspected...the truth is that..." The girl said, hesitant. Blondie waited, patient on the outside at least.

'_Good gods woman, get on with it! Cinna can read a whole word off a book in the time you spend pausing between words!_'

"The truth is that I am actually..."

'_Sheesh, he's reached the end of the freakin' sentence..._'

She then pulled down her hood.

"Princess Garnet Til Alexandros, heir to the throne of Alexandria." She finished.

"...Um, yeah, I hadn't guessed. "

'_Not this year anyway. Man, how many birthdays have I missed?_'

"I have a favour I wish to ask of you... I wish to be kidnapped... right away." Garnet continued, not hesitating so much now. Blondie stared.

"...Seriously?"

There was then a loud knock on the door, followed by a bellowing voice.

"Princess! Where are you?"

"Please! They've come for me!" Garnet whispered in a panic as she pulled her hood back up.

'_Who? Your grandchildren? How come you managed to get kids in the decades we were here waiting on you to hurry up and speak?_' Blondie wanted to say, the internal voice taking the exaggeration too far.

"Well, leave them to me. I'll do my best to kidnap you!" Blondie actually said.

'_Huh, that might have been a worse line than the other one._'

"Thank you. You have my gratitude." Garnet smiled, as the right side door burst open, and Cinna emerged. Garnet nearly jumped out of her skin.

"What're you two doin'? Come on, this way!" He urged. Blondie turned to reassure the Princess.

"Don't worry, Princess. It's my friend Cinna! ...Though I use the term lightly. Friend, that is, not Princess."

"Oh, really? I am sorry. You startled me." She said sheepishly.

"He just has that kind of face." Blondie explained.

"Hey! I wash up every morning, you know!" Cinna protested.

"Yeah, well, try to shower too. And do it at night as well." Blondie dismissed the protests as they ran off.

"How can I shower when everyone else uses all the hot water going first!"

At the sound of more knocking, and another loud cry of Princess, Blondie sighed.

"Cinna, this doesn't matter now."

"You're right. This way, Princess."

The trio were led into the room where the plan had been hatched, the plan which Blondie was still certain should have left the Oglops in the hands of someone more capable.

"Cinna you nitwit, this is a dead end!" Blondie sighed.

"...You installed the damn escape hatch with me and Marcus!" Cinna fumed.

"Did I? I don't remember that..."

"You didn't help as such, you just hung off the rafters by your tail telling us what we were doing wrong."

"A supervisory role." Garnet noted.

Cinna sighed.

"Something like that. Anyway, Open... Sesame."

The table lifted, revealing a passageway down into the engine room.

"Well, ladies first..." Cinna tried. Blondie shoved him in.

"Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread..." Blondie snickered.

"But you pushed him down." Garnet noted.

"Yeah. There's another part we add to that proverb in Lindblum."

"What might that be?"

"Smart people send the fools in first." Blondie said, jumping down, followed by Garnet.

* * *

Garnet deftly leapt down from the engine casing they had landed on, following Blondie.

"Wow, you're really athletic, Princess! That's the kind of thing that makes guys fall for you..." Cinna flirted.

Garnet, to her credit, managed to hide the look of sheer horror quite quickly.

"Don't mind him. He's not very good with the opposite gender." Blondie advised.

"Oh, yeah, and you have such a great track record!"

"We have no time for idle banter!" Garnet urged. Blondie and Cinna glared at each other then took the lead. And ran head first into a large man in rusty armour.

Blondie wanted to swear but remembered there were ladies present.

Cinna did not.

"Watch your tongue, brigand! There is a lady present!"

"Oh no..." Garnet muttered.

"Princess! Fear not! I, Captain Adelbert Steiner, are here to save you!"

"Am." Blondie said.

"...What?"

"I am. Well, I'm not, obviously, but you are."

"That is what I said, insolent dog!" Steiner growled.

"...No it's not. And what did he just call me?"

Another knight entered from behind the trio, leaving Garnet in despair even as Blondie engaged in pedantic grammatical squabbles.

"Excellent work! This is the finest hour of the Knights of Pluto." Steiner beamed.

"Just relax, Princess. We'll get you out of here."

Steiner paused, as if in thought.

"...You... You are not one of my knights!"

Blank merely nodded and raised his sword.

"You can just..." Blank began.

"...Leave the princess to us." Cinna finished.

Blondie was surprised how fast the real Knight moved. His blade was out, and even though he looked overweight, it wasn't too hard to realise now that maybe this Knight was one of _those guys_. The guys who made their very appearance a complete lie. People who tried to look like what they were not. People, in short, like Tantalus. Blondie wanted to swear so very much, but still remembered there were ladies present.

His blade hit Blank, smashing his armour, but leaving the Tantalus member unharmed.

The box filled with Oglops however, ruptured. The little insects inside swarmed free in what seemed like a massive swarm to some in the room. Of course, to others (yellow haired or female) it was the mere handful of bugs that it really was.

Only two kept their heads in the ensuing panic, Garnet and Blondie dashing into the next room as girly shrieks rang out, all coming quite ironically from males.

"I'm impressed, Princess, most girls freak out around Oglops."

"But... You have one on your head."

"And you're still not freaking out about it, are you?" Blondie said with a grin.

Garnet realised that this room was a dead end, surveying it. The noise of the play above could be faintly heard, and all she saw in this room were two scissor-lift platforms.

Cinna darted in.

"Get on number two, Blondie!"

He stared. The Oglop bounced off its golden perch and chased him from the room. As luck had it, Steiner's attempted entry was foiled by the same Oglop, resulting in a repeat of earlier's amusing spectacle of girly shrieks from both men as they fled.

"You heard the... Complete wuss, let's get on two." Blondie said. The Princess agreed.

* * *

Baku was not pleased when Blondie and their target popped up from the stage. But the little flaxen monkey hadn't let him down in the past, and Baku knew his underling was good at improvising their butts out of trouble.

"Improvise!" Blondie hissed quickly, and Baku was glad to see Marcus take the initiative and free himself from the grasp of Benero and Zenero. He had no idea what the next line was now, to be honest...

"Cornelia!" He said, rushing over to Garnet.

"Marcus is playing Cornelia's Lover." Blondie whispered. Garnet nodded, and Blondie's hunch paid off.

"Oh, Marcus!" She said.

'_A little hammy, but not bad for a newbie..._' Blondie thought.

What was said, however, was more simple.

"You're doing great."

"I have studied drama, you know." Came the quiet reply.

"Let's keep going, Brahne's still watchin'!" Baku warned.

At this point, Steiner managed to arrive. The hapless Captain was utterly bewildered by what he saw.

"Ho? What's all this?" He mumbled to himself.

"Oh Marcus, I missed you so." Garnet continued, falling into his arms.

Blondie was glad for hood the Princess wore, since surely even Brahne would fail to recognise her own daughter... If Garnet was her daughter. Blondie just could not see the resemblance.

'_Come to think of it she looks a lot more like that portrait of the King I saw. She must have taken after her father. Handsome father, beautiful daughter... elephant mother. Makes no damn sense..._' Blondie thought, almost getting distracted as the other players acted out their improvised parts.

"I wish never to leave thy side. Prithee, lead me from this place!" Garnet's lines concluded, just in time for Blondie to note that she had performed it flawlessly.

"See, King Leo? Thou shouldst give them thy blessing." Blondie managed to say just in time.

"Never! Never leave his side, thou sayest? Foolish banter! I'll not allow it!" Baku said, hamming it up to the maximum and then some. Clearly he was trying to out-act the Princess. Typical Boss...

"Cornelia shall marry none other than this man - Prince Schneider! Is that not so, Prince Schneider?"

Blondie fought not to laugh. "Prince Schneider" was none other than Steiner. The Captain was just as freaked out as Blondie, though in the other direction. Where the golden-haired person on stage had mirth, the rusty-armoured person?

Horror.

"M-Me? Marry the Princess?"

* * *

In the Royal Box, there was slight confusion from one person.

"Is that... It can't be..." An Alexandrian soldier said.

"Is that who, soldier?" General Beatrix asked, looking back at the stage. Another soldier had just finished a report, and Beatrix had ordered her to find a squad not posted as guards, and have them go to search beyond the castle grounds for the wayward princess.

There was, as the soldier noted in her report, a slim risk she had somehow made her way into the city. Beatrix knew from experience Garnet had often snuck into the city when younger, so she had issued the orders. But something seemed odd...

Beatrix frowned as she kept looking down, and saw familiar armour on stage. Her pondering over something odd about that soldier she had just dismissed was forgotten as the other soldier she had addressed spoke.

"Well, Ma'am, I just thought that Prince Schneider looks... Well, like Captain Steiner."

"Captain Adelbert Steiner is currently searching the castle with his men, attempting to locate Princess Garnet. I am sure he would not be so incompetent as to blunder onto the stage and force the company to improvise him into the play to spare blushes..."

She paused. On stage, Marcus and his ally overwhelmed King Leo's guards. She continued speaking, this time closer to reality.

"Okay, he _is_ that foolish, but for now just pretend the rusty idiot hasn't made his squad look even stupider."

Beatrix spared her Queen a quick glance as the faux-battle concluded on stage, and the soldier suppressed a giggle. Fortunately, Brahne had no inkling of what lay before her on stage. Steiner's blushes were spared for the moment.

The alternative, she thought, was that somehow he had abandoned his duty and was acting in the play. On stage, Marcus lunged at King Leo, his blade stopped by his own lover diving in the way. Beatrix sighed at what unfolded. The oaf thought Princess Cornelia's death was real. Either that or the man genuinely was acting in the play after all...

"Whoops. She should have told Marcus to spare himself..." The soldier commented as Marcus took his own life at his error.

"Cut the chatter, Maria." Beatrix ordered. Brahne had taken no notice of the soldier's commentary, but Beatrix was taking no risks.

* * *

Ruby wasn't happy. A blonde wig (despite, in her view, far better choices to pose as an Alexandrian soldier) and the ridiculous leotard-bathing suit of the Alexandrian Army were no fun to wear at all.

But she was Tantalus. Maybe one of the two more inclinded to wanting a quiet life as actors rather than as thieves posing as actors, but she was still Tantalus, and that meant she did her part. Acting to be a soldier was simple enough.

And finding a squad was easy too.

"The General has ordered us to be covert. No shouting Princess, no barging into dwellings, and try not to look like we're searching for anything. Split up, walk around by yourselves. One soldier isn't odd, a whole team of them is. Remember, we want to avoid a panic." The Sergeant of the squad ordered as they crossed the moat and reached the city itself.

That suited Ruby just fine. Slip away, get out of this dumb uniform, wait at the bar for Blondie to sneak off the ship, come and meet her, and then the two would head to Treno and finish their own misison. Meanwhile Garnet would be smuggled into Lindblum. No problems.

A little improvised, but it was close enough to the original plan. Boss had quickly approved the changes as Blondie continued the "chase" and the others ran distractions against the rusty Knight.

But Ruby was Tantalus.

'_I wonder what's gonna go wrong..._'

* * *

Blondie wanted to swear but remembered there were ladies present.

It had gone pretty well. The knight was going to be a problem quite soon, but Boss probably had it covered.

Then two more Knights chased a kid in a steeple hat and blue coat onto the stage.

"Leave me alone! Don't come any closer!" The kid had shouted at the two knights.

And then he shot a ball of fire from his hands that set fire to the Princesses cloak. She naturally threw it away as she leapt up in surprise.

Blondie had to dodge a burning cloak, which normally was a very bad sign. Not as bad as catching fire but the plan had been to avoid that.

"Damn. Okay guys, time we got moving..." Baku said.

"I... I agree! Princess, let's get out of here. We must hide the fact you are now a zombie thanks to the actions of the fiendish necromancer... er... what was your name, kid?"

The boy looked at Blondie, very puzzled.

"My name's Vivi... But I'm not a necromancer..."

"Yes, the Princess is now a zombie thanks to the necromancer Vivi!" Blondie beamed, noting that somehow it just worked.

Silence descended.

Maybe that "worked" estimate was premature.

"I do not think anyone still believes this is a play..." Garnet said sympathetically.

"It was worth a try though, right?"

More silence. Baku quietly slipped away in the distraction.

"I guess that's a no then."

Garnet sighed and turned to face Steiner.

"Steiner. Do not follow me any more."

Unfortunately, after all the time in a sea of confusion, for Steiner, this was blessed dry land.

"That is an order I cannot obey, your highness. You are clearly under the influence of trickery from these brigands!"

He raised his blade, as his two Knights stood behind him.

"Men... Seize them! Rescue the Princess!"

"Damn... They almost look competent..." Marcus noted.

"Yeah... Almost." Blondie smirked.

One Knight charged. Blondie ducked under his swing, and a quick uppercut into the guts winded the man, and promptly led to his sword being stolen. The hijacked weapon was used to parry the other attacker, and a quick fist through the opening it created knocked the Knight of Pluto down in one punch. The winded one was then whacked over the back of the skull by the hilt of the sword and collapsed into blessed oblivion.

Blondie smirked, and nudged the two unconscious knights off the stage-edge, and off the ship.

"So... You next, Sir Rustalot?"

The intimidating effect was slightly disarmed by the way the golden-haired fighter was waving the hand used for most of the punching about to shake off the pain of having just managed to wind a man by punching chainmail.

"I am a master swordsman, Brigands. I will knock you all down..."

"Fair enough."

Blondie kicked this time.

There was a clang.

Blondie hopped away, as Steiner smirked.

"I also have the foresight to predict dishonourable foes..."

"Damn, you're smarter than you look." Marcus muttered.

"Him or me?" Blondie asked, still hopping.

"Him, obviously."

"Complimentary conduct will not spare you!" Steiner said, lunging. Blondie stopped hopping to parry.

A rod then smacked across the man's helmet, a loud echoing clang heralding the Captain's collapse.

"Steiner, that was not a compliment! And I order you to stand down!" Garnet demanded.

The airship then juddered, and slowly began to rise.

Blondie then realised something.

"Princess. Just a little thing, really, maybe not that important, but you wouldn't happen to know how many cannons might be at this side of the castle?"

"Just a few dozen, why?"

Blondie sighed.

"This is gonna suck..."

As if to prove the point, a cloud of smoke saw a harpoon shoot past on a long chain, slamming into the lower decks. Another then slammed into the deck between Garnet and Blondie, the two only just dodging.

"I knew it, it sucks!"

"Thank you, General Obvious." Marcus added, granting Blondie a gargantuan promotion.

Worse, though, was that Steiner had stood up again. The man wasn't a quitter, at least.

"Your ship cannot escape. Surrender, and your deaths will be merciful."

"Even hers?" Blondie asked.

"What... We will not kill the Princess you hare brained fool!"

"Um... Why are you shooting at the ship she's on then?" Vivi pondered.

Garnet pondered this.

"...Steiner, he does have a point there."

Another cannon then fired, and Blondie once again really wanted to swear.

"Vivi, I think the simple answer is that the Alexandrians have no idea what collateral damage is."

"...Collateral what?" Steiner frowned.

"Thanks for proving my point."

The shot from the other cannon, however, was not a harpoon, but instead, a floating ball of fire. A monster known as a Bomb, because it was, well, a bomb. It would swell, and explode.

And it was just proving Blondie to be right even more.

"Yeah. No thanks for proving all my points." Came the moan as the bomb hovered behind Steiner.

"Steiner, look out behind you!" Garnet began, and Blondie sighed.

"He's not going to believe us. He thinks it's a trick. He'll just ignore behind him, no matter what we say."

This confused Steiner. He indeed did look behind himself.

'_Wow, score one for reverse psychology... I think._'

The knight gasped.

He swung his blade.

This merely annoyed the Bomb. And it had quite an explosive temperament.

'_Or not..._' Blondie realised, as the world went white.

* * *

Brahne whooped with joy as the _Prima Vista _was hidden in the cloud of smoke.

"A direct hit!"

Beatrix meanwhile had been staring in shock at the whole display. She thought that perhaps the Queen had not thought this one through.

"Your Majesty... What of the casualties?" She blurted.

"Hmm? Oh, yes. Take your troops into the city, help any of the injured citizens and all the usual stuff."

"Your Majesty, I mean..."

Beatrix was cut off by a roar of rage from the Queen. The ship had in fact been freed from the harpoons entirely, and now floated away. Ablaze, covered in holes, and generally looking more like a flying crash than an actual airship, but still airborne.

"That was an order, Beatrix. And send in Thorn and Zorn..."

"...The Jesters?"

Brahne nodded.

"Some humour would be well advised at the moment, don't you think?"

Beatrix saluted, and kept her own opinions on the twin jesters to herself. She eyed the stricken airship as it floated beyond the city limits.

She was no Air Force officer, nor a Naval hand, but even she could see it would not go far. Perhaps once the injured in the city had been dealt with, Beatrix could lead a group to the wreck.

Assuming, of course, it didn't go down into the mist.

* * *

"We're gonna crash!"

This was rarely a good thing to hear. When it was heard being screamed from the engine room, over the sounds of the engines that themselves were making a fair bit more noise than normal as a result of being on fire, it was a very bad thing.

Blondie really, really, wanted to swear, as the Airship began juddering and jerking.

Marcus had managed to drop down into the room below, and Vivi was clinging on tightly. Steiner seemed to be out cold, and caught up in some ropes, but Garnet...

Garnet was skittering across the deck, and about to fall off.

Blondie had one chance, and made the leap of faith. The Princess reached out her hand, and the two managed to connect, and Garnet's impending fall was cancelled.

'_Yes! Made it!_'

Blondie's elation was short lived, for it soon became apparent that in the effort to jump and grab the falling princess, there had been an under-estimation of the gravity in the situation. All that had occurred was a delay in the whole "falling off the ship" thing. Blondie scrabbled for a handhold as it emerged the reason the Princess had slipped was thanks to the fact there was no handhold at all here.

As this all became clear, Blondie no longer cared that ladies were present.

The two went over the side.

Mikoto swore, and swore so loud she hoped her idiot brother who had gotten his dumb ass arrested in Treno would hear it. And assuming she survived she was going to kill him. This was supposed to have been _his_ job...


	2. Chapter 2

Mikoto did not have a good relationship with trees, honestly.

Lindblum had been somewhat lacking in them. Most of the trees in the area had long been cut down for timber, and the parks in the city preferred shrubberies and flowerbeds. After all, as Regent Cid had said, wide open spaces were the best places to 'land airships in an emergency' (crash) and trees 'were impractical obstacles to such a thing' (made the crash worse).

Treno's parks had plenty of trees, however. And so Baku, having two of his gang with tails and a propensity for climbing up every gods-damned thing they could get handholds on like the little demented free-running monkeys they were, had reasoned maybe they could hide in trees for a spot of pickpocketing on the side while the others ran their scheme to snatch some valuables.

The first tree she tried had a beehive. The second an angry squirrel. The next three, weak branches. The sixth had a weak branch as well, so weak an angry kick from a small child caused it to fall off.

Of course, Baku had found it all hilarious as soon as it was clear she wasn't seriously hurt. Zidane had exploited the distractions every time and snatched purses from the crowds that formed around his screaming/groaning/crying sibling before going to try and help.

It had worked out in the end. Baku had bought her a stuffed Moogle with some of the proceeds. But when you're roughly six years old and your main memories of trees are bees, squirrels, and *Snap* 'WAAAAUGH!' it kind of sticks with you, earning a new toy be damned.

Even when breaking her fall from a crashing airship, Mikoto had very low opinion of trees. Especially since they were pine, and fairly solid all the same.

It was while she was dazed and sore from slamming into a number of branches (rather than the potentially-more terminal impact with the ground that may have otherwise occurred) and from something landing on top of her, she remembered just how much she hated trees.

Mikoto groaned, and then realised that something was lying on top of her.

She yelped and threw the shape off. Garnet yelped too.

"Oh, damn, uh... Sorry Princess. Didn't mean to have you land on me and I kinda freaked out there..."

Garnet shook her head, half to clear the haze and half to reassure Mikoto.

"It... it isn't a problem. You cushioned my fall, it seems. My apologies for landing on you." Garnet said.

"Yeah, but... You know. It's not proper. It's rude of me to have invaded a lady's personal space..."

Garnet looked up in confusion.

"Considering it was that or my personal space was wider and flatter I think I can tolerate someone being too close. Besides, we are both females..."

Mikoto nodded.

"True, just never let Cinna hear about... Oh crap, the ship!"

Mikoto bolted upright, and climbed a tree so fast Garnet barely saw a blur. A moment later, Mikoto dropped back down.

"The bad news is it crashed about three hundred meters away, but the good news is everyone seems to be off the ship. Very bad news is, it's on fire and some people look injured, so we had better move and help. You have White Magic, yeah?"

"Yes, but... how do you know everyone is okay?"

Mikoto produced a small spyglass.

"This and sheer dumb optimism. Everyone had better be okay. If anyone's dead, Boss will kill them..."

"I see..." Garnet said in reply, standing up and following the blonde.

Garnet and Mikoto made their way to the crash site carefully. Neither was really at home in the woods as such, but both knew that rushing would just result in tripping, or worse, alerting monsters.

"Just great. First we kidnap her, and then... Wait. She was with..."

Cinna panicked as The Boss came out, helping one of the injured.

"Hey, has anyone seen..." He began, but Baku merely pointed as he spoke. Cinna turned to see The Princess and Mikoto approach.

"Blondie! I could kiss you!" Baku grinned as Mikoto saluted.

"Everyone's okay, Boss?"

"Yeah, now you're here, just that knight and that kid missing... "

"Steiner! We must find him and Vivi immediately!" Garnet gasped

She almost ran off into the forest, halted by the blonde.

"Hey, wait! It's dangerous out there and you've no idea where they could be!"

Baku thought for a moment as The Princess was halted, predicting what his underling was about to say.

"Hey, Blondie. Take her and go look, but only take five minutes, then get your butts back here. We'll work the fire, you two go try find them, okay?"

Garnet bowed gratefully.

"Thank you, sir."

"Hey, just not wasting time, in five seconds Blondie would have been going out alone." Baku explained

Mikoto merely smirked.

"Am I that predictable, Boss?"

"Damn straight."

The blonde chuckled.

"I guess so. Stay safe, guys."

"You too, girl." Baku said back.

The two left, and Baku realised.

"...Damn, we left Ruby behind, didn't we. She never got back on board after she distracted those Alexandrian Soldiers..."

"Don't worry, boss, she was in disguise. I'm sure she's fine." Marcus noted.

* * *

Queen Brahne had made a fine mess of her own city.

"Shouldn'ta wondered what was gonna go wrong," Ruby sighed to herself as she followed the other Alexandrian soldiers.

"You, check that house there for anyone injured!" A Captain ordered her.

Ruby looked at the house in question. A chunk of airship had smashed into the roof.

"Yes'M!"

Ruby dashed into the house, trying to avoid officers like the plague. Officers had a habit of sniffing out fake soldiers.

No one downstairs, no one upstairs... but _wooowee_, that was a lot of jewellery and gil that had been spilled from the strongbox the bit of airship had burst!

"Did you find anything?" A voice behind her said.

Ruby jumped and screeched in shock, turning to find the captain.

"I, uh... No one injured in here, ma'am!"

The captain nodded.

"But a lot of valuables spilled... Guard this house against any looters!"

"Yes, ma'am!" She saluted as best she could.

The officer left, and Ruby groaned.

Why couldn't Alexandrian soldiers be more like Lindblumians? Lindblum uniforms had _pockets_, not these ridiculous leotards! And Lindblumian officers would have said to _split the loot_, not guard it!

* * *

"Where might they be?" Garnet wondered.

"It's a big forest, but I'm sure they're around here somewhere."

"_Release me, foul creature!_" A male voice roared.

"Okay, that was easy. Thataway!" Mikoto pointed, and rushed off.

"I-It's got him!" Vivi said.

The two came across Steiner trapped within what seemed to be a... walking lump of wood, with two vines and a cage of petals on its head.

"Okay, what in the actual crap is that thing?" Mikoto wondered.

"It seems to be some sort of plant... I've read about this, this is a Prison Cage! The Evil Forest is a living forest, these are some of the minions such places command to capture trespassers that near their plant brains!" Garnet said.

"Oh. Okay. Wait, what? The forest is _alive_ and there are more like it out there?! Gods damn it, I hate trees so much!"

"Do not question the princess, knave! Release me from this beast, so I can arrest you all and return her to the castle!"

"Well, that's not a good incentive to rescue you. And the biggest thing I have is a knife, why not cut your way out yourself?"

"My sword is over there, fool!" Steiner pointed.

It was buried in a tree trunk.

"Okay, I'm impressed, I use throwing knives and even I can't get a sword to land pointy-end in. Especially not a rusty hunk of crud like that..."

"It is a fine blade, standard-issue! And I have maintained it to the required standards!" Steiner raged.

"Vivi, use your magic on the base of the creature," Garnet advised, ignoring the bickering pair.

"O-okay..."

"And... er... Blondie, isn't it? Use Steiner's blade to cut him out!"

"If I can pull it out... Damn trees..."

As Vivi shot a ball of flame at the Prison Cage, Mikoto dashed over to the blade. It was buried deep, but a few tugs released it.

"Alright, now, if I cut you by mistake, Rusty, it was probably an accident," She said as she leapt over to attack the creature.

It recoiled from the blows, and slapped Mikoto back with a vine.

"Okay, new plan, it doesn't like being cut."

The creature raised its vines, pointing at Steiner.

"What nefarious... GHA!"

"It's absorbing from him!" Garnet gasped.

"Crap, that's not good. Can you heal him? I'll try hand him the blade, he can cut his way out without being bashed back."

The princess nodded, and Mikoto charged again, dodging a flailing vine as Vivi hit the main body with another fireball. She thrust the sword, held by the blade, inside the cage portion just as she was slapped back.

"_DAMN TREES!_" She yelled as she flew into one.

"Taste my wrath, monster!" Steiner grinned as he grabbed his weapon, and stabbed downwards.

The Prison Cage shuddered, and the cage collapse. Steiner stood triumphant.

"And now to... Wait, what treachery is this?"

As Steiner had began to speak, the dead Prison Cage released a cloud of spores. He fell almost instantly.

"Steiner!"

"Wait, Princess, there might still be spores around there! Give it a minute and we- GHA!" Mikoto tried to say, only for a second prison cage to descend from above and snatch her up.

"Another one!" Vivi yelled.

"I can see that, Vivi!" Mikoto shouted back, hacking at the cage.

The creature raised the vines.

"Oh no nonono-OW OW! That hurts!"

"Blondie, stop attacking it, if we kill it, it shall release more spores!"

"I want it to release _me_, and now!"

The angry blonde began to glow, and appeared to change. Still seemingly glowing, she appeared to now have patches of purple fur around her body, and her clothing had been replaced by a simple top and a pair of shorts. The knife had elongated, and Blondie sliced away the cage petals in one blow. She jumped out as the two others stared.

"Alright, tree-boy. I've been nice, I've been here a whole five minutes and I haven't asked someone to burn this stupid forest to the ground yet, but you crossed the line!"

Snatching the fallen Steiner's blade, she leapt back towards the staggered monster, a whirlwind of blades. A vine came off here, a chunk of bark there. She leapt back a few moments later, leaving the prison cage a sliced and diced mess. It collapsed, releasing spores harmlessly with no one nearby.

She glowed again, and seemingly returned to normal, or as normal as an angry tailed girl covered in what passed for plant blood holding a dagger and a sword could be.

"W-what was that?!" Vivi squeaked.

"Was that... Trance?" Garnet asked, astonished but curious.

"I don't know. If me and my brother get annoyed or upset that can happen. I get faster when I do it, and... I don't really know what Zidane does but he seems to get like weird magic."

She looked at the prone form of Steiner.

"...Crap, we have to drag him back to the ship."

* * *

Steiner awoke to raised voices.

"_...mn it Mikoto, we only just put one fire out, you are_ not_askin' Vivi to burn the rest of the forest down!_"

"_It's the only way to be sure!_"

"_Stop buggin' me..._"

"Hey, Boss, Sir Rustalot is wakin' up," An ugly creature beside him reported.

This was when he realised he was also tied up. He was outside the crashed airship, near piles of furniture and salvaged items. The group of thieves stood around, with the Princess sitting beside the golden-haired monkey that had kidnapped her.

"H-how dare you..."

"Good. Cinna, get back to salvage. Benero, Zenero, go lock him up in the instrument store room and give him that medicine."

"Lock him up? Why?" Garnet wondered.

"Princess! Fear not, as soon as I break these bonds I shall slay all these brigands and we shall flee!"

"Good answer," the thief who had started this madness said.

"Wretched whoreson! Untie me!" Steiner raged.

"Whoa, wait, whore_son_?! You know how to cut deep, Rusty," the tailed thief fumed.

"This way," Benero prodded Steiner in the back.

"You can imprison me but you cannot imprison my will to fight!" The Alexandrian Knight proclaimed as he was led away.

"While he's out of our hair, we need to figure out a way out of here," Baku said.

"I must agree, this has gone somewhat..." Garnet began.

"Wrong?" Cinna suggested.

"You seem to know a little about the forest, Princess, from what you were saying," Mikoto said.

"Somewhat. I've read of similar places, though the Evil Forest is by far the largest of such places. They are living forests, grown from a central plant brain. Any intruders are captured and used as fertilizer for the forest."

"Which is a polite way of saying they shove seeds in you and let them burst out," Blank added.

"Indeed. Escape from this forest may be treacherous as the plant brain will no doubt halt our efforts the closer we get to any exit. The easiest way to defeat such a forest is to kill the brain... but this has a drawback. Upon death, the forest will begin to petrify, taking the whole forest and anything it it with it. It is a petrification so powerful no normal soft or stona spell can undo it."

"Just for the record? I hate trees even more now. Even when you kill them, they kill you!"

"Oh, it isn't necessarily fatal, Supersoft can reverse the process. And one can always outrun the effect, it takes some time to begin, and the larger the forest the longer it takes."

"Hm, well, we got people who can't run all that fast here," Baku reminded.

"Yes, and we can exploit that. If a small group attack the brain, they will attract all the forest's creatures. This may provide a diversion for the slower group."

"So, we need strong and fast guys to attack the brain while the others use them as a diversion, then we kill it and run before we're marble?" Mikoto said.

"Granite, actually, but that would be the best option," The Princess nodded.

"Well, I hate trees and I'm fast, so I volunteer to kill the brain."

"I'll help her too, Boss..." Cinna tried

"Bullshit you will, Cinna, you're slower than a month of Sundays. Besides, the two groups might haveta split up and no one else can cook worth a damn. Blondie, your group goes right to Treno and hauls Zidane's dumb ass out of jail, got it?"

"U-Um... I know I'm not very fast but my magic might be useful..." Vivi volunteered.

"Ah, what the hell, I'll go with Mikoto, carry Vivi if I have to," Blank offered.

"Alright, who else? Not you, Marcus, we might need a good hunter and tracker in our group," Baku told the pointy-eared thief.

"Hey, Boss, I know the guy's got a stick up his ass and all, but that knight could be useful. If we're gonna get swarmed we need all the fighters we can have," Mikoto noted.

"Sounds fine by me, the guy's a pain. Trouble is, he won't abandon the Princess will he? And he's not gonna play nice when her back is turned."

"...If I went with him, I could keep him under control," Garnet said.

"Uh, Princess, all due respect, we were trying to _get you out_ of Alexandria, not potentially leave you as a lump of granite in the middle of it for all eternity."

"True, and yet, Steiner is indeed unlikely to fully obey any order I give for him to assist you if he feels it endangers me. You may also need healing magic. I would imagine the larger group will need to take most, if not all, of the first aid equipment."

"Damn, she's got a point there, Blondie. Alright, five in your group seems good. You and the Princess work on convincing Rustybutt to help out, see what Cinna can spare for your supplies, and we'll get this show on the road as soon as we can," Baku ordered.

"Alright, Boss, but, uh, doesn't that mean I'm taking the Princess to Treno? The opposite direction from where she should be going? Where she will inevitably have to encounter Zidane?"

"She looks smart enough to ignore your brother," Baku said.

"Okay, Boss, but I don't think this is gonna work out so well, just saying..."

"Don't just say, just do as I say, Blondie."

* * *

Steiner was furious.

"_I shall not drink this poison, scum! Your plan is obvious, slay me, and then have your way with the Princess! That perverted monkey clearly plans to ravish her!_" He cursed the two Nero Brothers standing outside.

"...He's not very observant. Don't worry, Princess, you're not my type," Mikoto sighed.

"He has a somewhat over-active imagination, I'm afraid."

She was about to open the door when Blank stopped her.

"Princess, tell him it's you, odds are he'll attack blindly."

"Very well... Steiner, it's me, the Princess. I'm coming into the room! Don't attack!"

The door was unlocked, and Steiner saluted.

"Fear not, Princess, I will soon devise a plan to escape and-"

"We have one, Steiner. We need you to join the group attacking the plant brain."

"...Pardon, Your Highness?"

As Garnet explained, Mikoto looked around the room.

"Hey, did no one move this out when the ship was on fire?!" She protested, pointing at a chest.

"It's locked and heavy. You're the master of unlocking... Why don't you pick the lock if there's something good in there?"

"Of course it's locked, you guys steal anything not nailed down! And besides, I have the key," She said.

"Oh, your gear. Should have known." Blank sighed, as Mikoto pulled out weapons and a small bag.

"Yup. Why the hell did I have to dress like Zidane for the play again?"

"Because his part was written for a male."

"Huh. Sexism," She muttered as she undid her belt.

"_I understand, Princess, but I advise caution, these are thieves and they cannot be-_ HOW DARE YOU BEGIN UNDRESSING BEFORE THE PRINCESS, SCUM!" Steiner raged.

Mikoto, in the midst of trying to remove her top, turned in confusion.

"...Oh, I didn't know it was her turn," She snarked.

Steiner's rage-red face turned a different shade as new facts became apparent by Mikoto's efforts to change clothes.

"Y-you are... My apologies!" He blustered, and turned the other way.

"What's his problem?"

"Mikoto, I know you're gonna say you're wearing your shorts and a shirt of your own there, but that was kind of a stupid move," Blank sighed.

"Why _are_ you changing clothes anyway?" Garnet wondered.

"'Cos I'm meant to be moving fast out there. I had to dress like Zidane would for the play because none of these idiots can write let alone re-write, but I normally wear stuff that lets me move better."

This consisted of shorts, a skirt over those shorts, a blue vest over a t-shirt, and a brown poncho. She had traded the larger weapons she had been wearing before for smaller daggers, including a brace of throwing knives.

"Why have you changed your weapons?"

"These ones here are Zidane's, apparently he was meant to wear them for the play too. Boss told me to do it, so I did it. I prefer smaller blades for real fighting..."

"She's kind of stabby," Blank warned.

"_Also_ in a pinch I can throw a smaller blade like a throwing knife. They're not balanced as well but they can do the job."

"Oh. Steiner, she's finished dressing, by the way," Garnet said.

The blushing knight turned back around.

"Did you seriously not realise I was a girl, Rusty?"

"M-my apologies, but you were dressed and acted in a masculine manner..."

"She's a tomboy, Sir Knight," Blank snickered.

"The hell I am, Blank, I just don't conform to the regular standards of femininity in my day to day life is all!"

"You don't conform to regular anything, more like, Blondie."

"As amusing as this all is, I think we should get ready. Steiner is aware of the plan and he will help us..." Garnet sighed.

"Yes, Your Highness, though I council caution given..."

"Steiner!"

"...Yes Your Highness."

"Anyway, let's go get set up and see what's left when the others take what they're gonna need."

* * *

About an hour later, the larger group was setting off, and the five that planned to attack the brain were moving out themselves.

"Okay, Princess, you vaguely know what we're looking for, so point where we go. I'll take point, Vivi will burn the crap out of anything, and Steiner and Blank will beat out the flames so the whole forest doesn't go up as much as I'd like it to," Mikoto proclaimed.

"...Regarding that, thief, I have a request of Master Vivi. Do you think it possible to cast magic directly upon my blade to give it an elemental strike?"

"A magic sword kinda thing? Good idea, you're more competent than you look," Blank said.

"Um... I'll give it a try," The black mage nodded.

"Maybe that could work on your throwing knifes?" Blank asked Mikoto.

"Too small. I've got a few elemental blades anyway but they're one use only. I'll keep them for surprises."

"Okay. Sure you don't want an axe for all these trees?"

"Shut up and move, Blank..."


End file.
